Thursday, November 15, 2012

Do Not Be Anxious

It's looking like we are a go for surgery tomorrow. We did chest X-Rays and an RSV test to make sure your mild congestion is just that, and everything came out clear.  So we will report for duty at 5:30am and if all goes as planned we should be home in time for your afternoon nap.

Your first year of life brought at least 12 surgeries--at some point I lost count. During that time I assumed we would always be regulars at the TCH OR. A month before Liam was born we placed your shunt, and an incision hasn't been made since.  That in itself is miraculous--50% of shunts have to be replaced within the first two years. But here we are sitting pretty at 3 years and 1 month.

Clearly I am no newbie to sending my children into surgery and this one is minor compared to others. Then why so anxious? Because losing a child changes everything.  And when I let my brain swim in the dangerous waters of "what if"....what if there are complications? what if something goes very wrong? what if I have to leave the hospital without a baby again?...I feel the despair engulfing me, pulling me down into the abyss. It is all I can do to twist out of it's clutches, push for the light and gasp for air the instant it hits my skin. But as I stand dripping on the shore, remembering those seconds trapped below, I am certain another loss could be my undoing. Please Jesus let it not be so.

Yet this evening, a peace settled over my heart.  My tension melted away. God has always held you firmly in his hand, ordained your days. I know his plan for you is good.  I know his plan for ME is good. So I will not be anxious. I will let the peace of God which transcends all understanding guard my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus.  Over this surgery and the rest of your days.

(Update 11/16: I listened to this sermon by Steven Furtick this afternoon.  Would have been ideal for yesterday, but I still think it is worth posting here as a reminder for the next time I feel anxious.

Anxiety: Worry Don't Work )

1 comment:

Karen said...

Praying for Audrey. Philippians 4:6-9 have been my "life line" scriptures so many times in recent years. Praise God for blessing you with the peace and calm as only He can.