Friday, November 6, 2009

Miss Independent

You like your brother. Really you do. He makes you laugh when he cries, spits up, or passes gas. But I think you are missing having all of Mommy's attention. Today when I put you down for a nap, you cried for over an hour. You don't ever cry when you go down for a nap. Even if you don't think you are tired, you just talk to yourself until you eventually fall asleep. This cry wasn't one of pain, irritability, or sleepiness--it was pure sadness. Which made me feel terrible. All I wanted to do was get you up and spend some time just you and me. If I hadn't been up all night with Liam and could have seen straight, I would have. Instead I laid in bed, exhausted and feeling bad, waiting for you to fall asleep.

I wish I could explain to you what is happening. I wish I could tell you that for now, you are the big girl, much more independent than Liam, and he needs more help from Mommy. But it won't be long until roles are reversed and you will have more of my attention again. Surely, the two of you will continue to cycle back and forth depending on what phase you are in at the time. I know it is hard right now for you though and I am sorry. Hang in there babydoll. Tomorrow Daddy will be home, and you and I can have some special time together.

You are such a sweet girl though. You would never hold it against me that you don't get as much one-on-one time now. You give me the biggest grins, just for picking you up or saying your name. Any attention thrills you. And today, for the first time ever, when I held you on my chest, you held me back. Just a little bit of pressure around my shoulder, but definitely intentional. Ironically, around 3 am this morning while I was burping Liam, he held onto me also. I teared up for a moment, thinking about you and how you have never been able to do that. I knew it would be no time before Liam could give me a hug, but didn't know if I could ever expect one from you. I had to quickly divert my thoughts so that my hormones didn't lead me down the road to a pity party. So this afternoon, it wouldn't have felt any better if you had wrapped your arms around my neck and given me a big squeeze. Just that tiny bit of loving was the best gift you could have given me.

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