Friday, July 18, 2008

July 18

I just knew today would be a good one!

This morning you took 8 CCs from your bottle--what a big girl you are! I really believe you try and want to take the bottle, and I am pretty confident that sucking isn't your problem. My gut tells me there is some reason that you can't swallow well. Usually you will latch on, take a few good sucks, and then once your mouth fills with milk you break away and start to panic since you don't know what to do next. With your small tongue it is so hard for you to manipulate the fluid in your mouth. I am not sure how to teach something like that...I guess it will just take practice and trying a bunch of different methods. But we are so proud of your 8!

The ophthalmologist came today to check on you and we got good news there also! He said your eyes looked good--no infection. He did comment that one cornea was still a little hazy, and also mentioned small pupils, but he adjusted your medicine and didn't seem too concerned. I was surprised when he told me that you would probably be fitted for contacts because they work best. I wanted to say, "Really? Best for who?" because I can't imagine wrestling with a 6 week old over contacts. I am sure it will be like anything else though, and over time you and I both will get used to it. The best news was that you opening your eyes isn't at all a problem. In fact, it is exactly what you should be doing until you get the glasses or contacts. As long as your eyes are closed and in an infantile state, I don't need to worry about the eye-brain connection. If your eyes were open and not seeing clearly is when we have a problem. So you have a break from me encouraging you to open your eyes (at least until we get some corrective lenses on you...then I'll want to see some peepers!).

This evening the geneticist came by to check you out again--I wasn't there again this evening. Daddy had some more special Daddy-Daughter bonding time with you. But the doctor told Dad that he had some ideas of what it may be so Monday they will draw blood and do an X-Ray to either confirm or deny their suspicions. As much as I would like to know what they are thinking, we won't be told until they are positive and I completely understand why. Honestly, it doesn't make too much of a difference and I might be happy never knowing. It would be nice to have a name to put with this, and an idea of what the future holds. But mostly I am afraid of what they will tell me was the cause. If it was something genetic, that means I had nothing to do with why you aren't perfectly healthy. But it also might mean no brothers or sisters for you, since chances are this could happen again. If it was environmental, it means as hard as I tried, I still couldn't do everything perfect enough to keep you healthy and I would have a very hard time dealing with that. And if that's the case it still might mean no brothers or sisters for you, because I can't imagine being pregnant again without worrying myself sick for 9 months. And I was planning for a big family! I love my relationships with your aunts and uncles; siblings are the best and I would hate for you not to have any.

But I guess the common denominator is that I have no control over anything, and maybe that's what God is trying to teach me through all this. You dad and I didn't even expect you for several years--I didn't choose when you came and look at how happy we are now. I just have to keep telling myself that, "God created your inmost being; He knit you together in your mother's womb. I praise Him because you are fearfully and wonderfully made; His works are wonderful, I know that full well. Your frame was not hidden from Him when you were made in the secret place. When you were woven together in the depths of the earth, His eyes saw your unformed body. All the days ordained for you were written in His book before one of them came to be." God doesn't make didn't just slip by Him. You are the exact way He wanted you to be, and while I still don't understand it I am confident He knows better than me.

Look at you in your pretty bow Mrs. Elaine brought you. You are so beautiful (and you have a beautiful Grammy too).

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