Sunday, October 11, 2009

Home Again, Home Again

You were doing so well recovering from surgery that we were able to come home from the hospital a day early. I was thrilled--I didn't remember the pull-out couch in your room being so uncomfortable last time you were hospitalized. Of course, back then I wasn't 8 months pregnant either. So Friday evening after we arrived back at the house and unloaded our things, we all went to bed early and got some much needed rest.

Around 7am Saturday morning you gave us a little scare. After throwing up, your breathing was very labored again, and we could tell your throat was restricted. You sounded asthmatic, and I considered taking you to the ER in case your condition worsened. Thankfully we have a pulse-ox machine, so I knew you were getting plenty of oxygen, even if it took all your energy and your heart rate was higher than usual. I brought you to bed with me and watched the monitor as you calmed down and your pulse worked its way back to normal. After an hour or so you were breathing regularly and we both fell asleep for a bit.

Your neck is so stiff again. We had made a lot of progress over the last several months towards loosening it up and getting you to tuck your chin but have lost all that progress now. I am hoping it is just a temporary set back and it won't take us as long to get back to where we were.

Overall, I am so happy with the outcome of this operation. Other than the bandages, shaved head and stiff neck, no one would be able to guess you just had brain surgery. This surgery caused me to be more nervous than I was for any other--however the recovery time was much less than most. And for you it didn't seem very painful--the only pain med you were given was infant Tylenol, and within 48 hours post-op you were off that.

Ironically, the hardest thing for me to surrender completely to God is you. I want Him in control of my marriage; He has made clear His plan for it and I desire the same. I can give Him our finances; He has always more than provided for our needs and I never worry those won't be met. But you--you are much harder for me to give up. I may not agree with His will for your life. But I know that it should be easiest to put you, more than anything else, in His hands alone. There is no way I can control what happens with you medically or make the right decisions on my own. And I would have no hope if I didn't believe that God was coordinating everything to work out for you just the way it should. So I have to let go and know that things may not turn out the way I want, but that no matter what happens, it won't catch God off-guard.

It's amazing. God doesn't need to prove Himself to me. If just being God weren't enough, we have had countless miracles in your life to show how great and good He is. Yet He is merciful enough to be patient with me when I am doubtful, then shows me once again what He is capable of. And just when I think I am fully reliant on Him, God teaches me to trust a little more, give up a little more control, let go of a little more fear.


Karen said...

Very well said! You are so insightful when it comes to trusting God with control of Audrey's life along with all else in your life. I have struggled with that myself. Praise God for how well Audrey did in this surgery. Praying that she continues to recovery quickly and without any set backs or problems. She is God's special little girl!

Amber said...

Amber; there are no words that describe how strong you are in my eyes. My thoughts are always with you, Brad and Audrey.